Wanting

I awaken to the low buzz of discussion right outside my room. I can hear Sarah's voice, a high pitched chirp in between the other's who have the decency to keep their voices low enough to hide the words. I open one eye and stare around the room, darkened but for the shaft of light that creeps below the hospital door. I want nothing more then to leave this place and go home.

Home, where I know where everything is, where the smell is of my cooking emitting itself from my oven and where I know the way the colors in every room will look every hour of every day.
I shift my weight uneasily and slip one of my legs over the edge of the bed.

My bones, sparrow light, lug the skin and muscle that drips with age from them like spilt milk. It always takes some getting used to, this aging. I have been old far longer then I was ever young, but it still surprises me, the way my muscles don't just flex and bend the way the once did and the way my bones ache deep within them until I can imagine the holes the loss of calcium have hollowed out there.

Sarah's chirruping becomes louder, slightly alarmed and I freeze, allowing myself to gaze at the shadows that pace in front of my hospital door, like guards.

"Hell," I mutter, after a brief moment. "What do I got to lose?" My feet find the floor, cold reverberating up my toes and into my ankles, but I continue on, sucking on my lower lip and make my way to the dresser where my purse lies, marooned in the center. A mirror hangs above it, reflecting back at me my image.

I do not remember this face, I hardly ever gaze at this grey shadow that has splashed away what I am or thought I was. I stare at the creased lines of my eyes, attempting to distinguish the cat like shape that they had once held, but can not. The eyes that gaze back at me are hidden under folds of wrinkles, the lashes I once had are lost in those trenches. The color that once was of charcoal black are now tinged with effervescent grey, a sheen of color that makes them almost alien in appearance. I shake my head, watching the few curls I have left straggle back and forth in limp hanging wisps.

My hands, fingers bent with arthritis slip into the depths of my purse and come up with my keys and two mints. I am not aware for a moment that I am humming until I place an unwrapped mint in my smiling mouth. "Ah, Hell!" I mouth at myself. "What do I got to lose?"

I pull my purse up my arm and make my way, slowly and carefully towards the door. In my journey towards the door, I become aware that there is silence and no pacing shadows. I speed myself up slightly and can feel my heart begin to pound with the exertion and excitement of my planned escape.

When I finally reach the door, I open it a crack and peer out. The nurses station is abandoned and my daughter in law is no where in sight. I hear a cackling and it takes me a few seconds to realize it is me. "Hush, Betty!" I whisper to myself. I cackle again.

I limp down the long hall, with one stop in between doorways to check my route and to glance slyly behind me. No one anywhere! When I am only a few feet from the elevators, I hear Sarah's chirp again and I almost throw myself at the down button, my finger stumbling like a drunk over the keys before I press my entire self into it and force the button down.

"Betty?" I hear Sarah, her voice loud with warning, pitch itself down the hall at me.

I do not turn, but straighten my back, hoping that she will not recognize me. No luck, I hear the tapping of her shoes gathering speed towards me.

The elevator door opens and I thrust my body forward, my heart battering in my ears and press the ground floor button before I glance out at Sarah's now rushing figure. I begin to cackle again, little gasps of air rushing out from me and even though I try to stop I can not. Spittle is dripping out of my toothless mouth, but still I can't stop myself.

Sarah is almost at the elevator when the doors shut completely. Her face is red and angry, her eyes staring blue and shocked at me. I am cackling so hard now that I begin to see dots of black in the air and begin to rake the air with my hands in my attempt to breathe. I hear a sucking noise before I realize that it is me, swallowing air, trying to force it down into me, before I feel my body fall, collapsing in on itself.

I awaken to Sarah. She is above me, staring at me, her eyes hurt and angry. I want to yell at her to leave me alone, let me go and that this is not all about her, but I can not because there is something down my throat moving my lungs, forcing the air in and out of my body. I begin to scramble, my hands flinging themselves towards my mouth, before they are stopped by restraining bands that tie me to my bed.

Frantically I stare at her, but she shakes her head and leaves the room, leaving me alone in the semi darkness, wanting nothing more then to go home. Home, where I know where everything is, where the smell is of my cooking emitting itself from my oven and where I know the way the colors in every room will look every hour of everyday.